Archive for July, 2014

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2014 by chaoticnutroll

“The things I’d have to invest beyond what I already have to protect myself from your bullshit is more than I can bear.” She thought.
“You haven’t cost me enough as it is, no, I’ll have to continue being cost emotion, time and money.”
Each word banging against her grimly set lips and mind and heart.
It’s as though the only way to survive is to let you linger exactly where you are, and do nothing.

I cannot stand how you still control us.

You pride yourself as some sort of hero and gentleman, the only gentlemanly thing you could do now is to take a walk into the forest and never return.

I want to say that if you don’t set us free, I will lose my mind and I will ignite in rage and sear my way to you in a pulse of action, and then you will be silent, and still. And things will burn and crumble, but at least, this will be over.

If this is what they meant by Ragnarokr, then let it come, and fall around us like embering ash.


This process

Posted in Uncategorized on July 27, 2014 by chaoticnutroll

So arduous and healing leaves vicious scars.

I thought I’d forgiven you, and yet as days pass and I feel you haven’t given what you owe, I feel things like dislike, and disgust, and even hate blossom.
As I come to accept who you actually truly are, and can calculate what you’ve cost us, while your life, whatever there is of it, with your offender status seems to be so much nicer than I feel you should have.

And I am responsible for your freedom. And your complete lack of gratitude with respect to the love I had for you is what fuels me.

I don’t wish harm on people, I know better than that, but the way that I feel about you, somedays I’d rather you were in some other place where you could not lie to people. If you can’t tell the truth, and own what you did, then you shouldn’t be allowed to lie and pretend that what you did didn’t happen.

And I realize how wrong that is. That I shouldn’t feel this way at all. I should simply be greatful for the struggles you gave me, and that I have my freedom. It’s been so long and I’ve wasted so much time lamenting what you did and the loss and cost, instead of being able to breathe all this oxygen and love and light.

Bickled Peets

Posted in Uncategorized on July 12, 2014 by chaoticnutroll

I think I’m doing what I want, without even realizing it. There’s undoubtedly been a fluctuation of hesitation as I’ve progressed, but as I fear and worry less, I find I can look back with less avoidance, and more acknowledgement. Something happened, it was, it was most likely necessary to move to the next square on the board and one day I’ll be able to confidently drop “most likely” from my vocabulary and admit wholly that it was indeed.

A dog I’ve had since the late 90s, through my entire military career and then some, had cancer. I’d had to leave her with the man largely responsible for some of my shittier, more self absorbed material, because she was too big to comfortably fit in my vehicle as I fled all of that sadness, and darkness, and destruction. I had no good place to keep her, and believed that leaving her in his care gave him one good thing to try to do right. And he did, as best he could.

But when there are biological things going wrong inside of you, it’s never a sure thing that your best will end in smiles and stars. It is enough to wonder that she lived as long as she did.

They took her in for surgery to remove a growth that she’d had, that ruptured. They took her out, a cancer free spirit/energy source to return to the foundations from which she came. She did not survive. Her journey up; ticket punched.

What made me most unhappy and bitter was not that she was gone, nor even that she was so out of my reach, with no reasonable way to return to her to say goodbye. It was that last summer I had gone back for other reasons, but one of which was to have a satisfactory visit with her, knowing her time was limited by the poison inside her anyway and it resulted in an incredibly short, stressful, visit due to unnecessary drama and posturing.

Yet one more thing I’ll struggle to forgive that woman for.