Archive for August, 2014

Do fucking ha.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 9, 2014 by chaoticnutroll

Seems only when I hurt the most is when things come pouring out freely and unabashed.

Looking for stories from people that know things.

I keep wanting to tell and admit and purge myself of all the things that have injured me. Instead I sever all that I love to both protect myself from myself and others, and to propagate the injury and suffering.

They tell me “you are the right one” and “you are doing fine” then why do I constantly bathe in doubt and destruction?

There are moments when I feel absolutely fine, and the majority of them, I am lost and angry and hurt.

Why does this have to be this way?

I keep from socializing with real people, because when I wanted to have friends, he provided such a barrier and obstacle with fighting and humiliation and hurt, that I stay inside. And return to the things that I know are not good for me. And the one thing that gave me light and happiness, I cut it out of me, put it away. Distance myself from joy.

I don’t want to be afraid, and I want to be happy, but for some reason I return, return, return to the things that made me feel safe and whole, even though they were eroding me, and continue to do so now.

I know you’re disappointed and displeased with me, and I am as well, but I feel like there is nothing I can do, not enough energy to give a fuck.

Tomorrow may be different, tomorrow may be amazing and full of motivation. Right now, this is it.


Night Call

Posted in Uncategorized on August 1, 2014 by chaoticnutroll

I want to show you where it’s dark, but have no fear

The silence you gift me with after what I’ve engaged in for you speaks volumes. You can advance with your quaint memories, yet not remain agog at what those things truly mean.
The situations you had us in, dark and rampant with suffering.

It’s as though I’m having a conversation with God. Only He knows all of this, and cannot give me the answers I want.

To just accept what is wrong, and know that in the end it will be better than what we had, if only if only if only.

Don’t come to me with your mute ignorance, denial and lack of appreciation for what you were a part of. You had a role to play, and there are things we will all be accountable for.

I am grateful I am grateful I am grateful. Yes I am. Somehow I’ll accept this.