Archive for the what am i even reading Category

Outside Inside Upside Down

Posted in what am i even reading on January 24, 2015 by chaoticnutroll

show you what it feels like

Every time I start to sit down and unload, unleash, unearth this many things in one moment, I disrupt and defy myself. Denying my fingers the release they seek to simply pour the words and letters onto this stupid goddamned mother fucking page.

Why can’t I just let me be me? I’m tired of this shit.

I have striven to own the things that came from me, whether you like them or not, I housed them and nurtured them with whatever fertilizer there was in my garden.

I used to write, and keep talking about how much I want to, and all I can do right now is this hideous ugly stream of consciousness. Just let it spill through my body like rivulets of joy and pain.

He took that from me, along with so many things. My hunger to write, my capricious and unrelenting torrent of verbiage.

So here I feel naked and discarded trying to pound out a sonnet or two of something that means more to me than a few seconds on the backspace key.

He hurt me in ways no one should be hurt, and I loved him. And I dwell on this like no one should. I am visited and revisited by shreds of memory lifted to me in ragged sweaty tear stained palms.

I can’t seem to let go of the things I should have. I wear this sadness like a brightly painted tacky car. I am certain that I should be well beyond this. I long to write about other things than this, but this is it. I can’t apologize for my pain because it is true.

There are other things that delight and amuse me and I want to focus only on them. Not on these stupid shitty moments, and hesitations and regrets.

How do I do this? How?


Brecking wall

Posted in what am i even reading on October 6, 2013 by chaoticnutroll

Don’t you ever say I just walked away I will always want you

Some paths switch back true north and leave a clearer set of markings, while a few tangles remain to distract and hinder.
Those things belonged to me, and I wanted, demanded them. Of any obligations, you’d certainly come through on those, surely you would because there was some inherent goodness in you I’d fatally believed.
And without your poison to string me out, leave me gasping and dizzily searching an escape, I had to locate others.
And none compare. No oil and grime and dirt I could ever hope to consume would provide the quality injury I sought.
It wasn’t always about that ragged edge either. At least I long believed that. Now it embarrasses me to admit I could have been even more hopeless than I’d imagined at the beginning. Was that really what it was, you only kept me to conquer so long as I let you have that power, and as I slowly took it back you couldn’t stand what you had done, what it had forced me to become?

Why bother ever expressing patience or kindness to me then. If you aren’t genuinely just the monster you’ve promised, then is that your one last gesture to me, knowing how awfully you fucked everything up?

Why can’t I greet the day and think of you peacefully, instead of with my bitter, broken heart?

red hair-ing

Posted in what am i even reading on September 23, 2013 by chaoticnutroll

“If I keep painting, I won’t die.”
“If I keep painting, I won’t die.”
“If I keep painting, I won’t die.”

She tore the bag open, setting the ornament inside free with a soft jangle. Beneath the rim a long red hair clung distractingly and she wordlessly removed it, blowing it out the car door and away from her. It seemed heavily empty around her in the atmosphere but she couldn’t define it, so stored it away for a detail to be surmised over later.

A very brief message had alerted her to the transition she could not cease, but hadn’t really wrapped her mind around just then.
“Gone?” a voice said. Confirmed. Gone. replied an electronic blurt in her skull.
“I must be going crazy for real.” She told herself. All the disembodied voices could mean nothing else.

When things began to disintegrate, and deteriorate at an astonishing rate, searching for the solution, any cure, any chemical, it was only well into the throes of surviving the end that the truth came around her way again.

The ornament had been left as salvation, a solution, the dna they’d need to heal the destruction wrought was located in that single hair she had blown away, guiltless, not knowing the ends she had secured for humanity.

As the ash perforated her lungs, she held the bodies of two children, atop a mountain of others, dead before she could exclaim that there was no hope and no end to their misery.
Suffering could have been prevented, but this time, it would crumble quietly, life would find its away again from beneath the rubble.


Posted in what am i even reading on September 9, 2013 by chaoticnutroll

Discovering that I have the ability to paint something that someone would pay for has been a humbling and amusing experience. Who the fuck am I to be getting paid for anything I did.
Not to say that I don’t like having grocery money, but it’s still not real sometimes that I’m doing this.
The possibilities that await me even now have me trying not to pee myself. When things unfold and I can put words to them I’ll tell more and more of this story, but until they are mine to say I’ll just enjoy the hope.

Also I’m thinking about having a walking dead party for my birthday, since I haven’t had a birthday party in awhile, and the day after the new walking dead series starts so…perfect timing.

Tiny puppy sleeping

Posted in what am i even reading with tags , , on January 3, 2013 by chaoticnutroll



Posted in DO WANT, Uncategorized, what am i even reading with tags , , on November 17, 2012 by chaoticnutroll


I have classes with two members of this band and they appear to be good gentlebros, and have good taste in, and make pleasant noises! Very yes! on Dogjaw

Dogjaw on book of face

The face of nbc for the last several hours.

Posted in what am i even reading on October 30, 2012 by chaoticnutroll


Air Force Cadet

Posted in what am i even reading on October 25, 2012 by chaoticnutroll

Air Force dumbface: Let me introduce you to the Army, “Family Care Plan” required if you have children, married or no. Meaning, you have a document that states that there is someone to take long and short term care of your child(ren) so you can fulfill your military obligation. If you cannot provide or sustain one, you can be chaptered out for failure to family care planning. That you would pretend to be dumb, is deeply butt offensive. An officer candidate, forgot, a specific line in a contract they signed, stating to report changes, including pregnancy? This smells more like you are trying to turn a concerted effort to be non-deployable into a witch hunt to soothe your buttpain so you can survive on your own. Also, fuck you for calling it “accidentally” pregnant. There is a precision required to inserting a penis in your vagina, that silly device that causes pregnancy, a potential risk of fornicating. Oops my erection accidentally fell out and into you. ACCIDENT HOOOOOOO!


Posted in what am i even reading with tags , , , , on October 20, 2012 by chaoticnutroll

On Zumba: Prostitution, or consenting adults engaging in the exchange of money for goods/services. Why no expectation of privacy? To be filmed pornographically requires a waiver a signature, consent. Or, to make this even simpler, if it were women who had been filmed without their knowledge, the outrage would be magnified, but because it is men who were paying for goods/services, they have no reasonable expectation of privacy?

On the Texas cheerleaders: Would you be as adamant and supportive if those were verses of the Havamal, and regard others rights for free speech as well? And I’m pretty sure that since school property is protected by it being not your average public zone, well, you guys will be the poster children for derp. But it’s Texas, so…heart attack from not surprise?

On the Saints Fan suing the NFL. Protip: Your tickets paid for you to see a saints game, you are not guaranteed to see a player, especially since you know some dudes might stay benched the whole game or get injured. Please nurse your butthurt, and stop being absurd.

Prove it.

Posted in what am i even reading with tags , , , on October 18, 2012 by chaoticnutroll

Apple ordered by U.S. court to reveal iPhone profit margins | Politics and Law – CNET News.